Jacquie reflects on her experience of art therapy
Jacquie shares her story of how she felt at the beginning of Mentalization-Based Art Therapy (MBT) and how she felt she had changed towards the end. Jacquie speaks about excluding people from her life and turning the pain she felt inside into violent actions. She then explains that the therapeutic process helped her to 鈥渇eel at peace鈥 and realise there is strength in being open with people in her life.
Audio transcription:
Jacquie: Well, it鈥檚 a house in the middle of the woods, completely stands alone, surrounded by nothing but trees. Looks like quite a warm little house, but it鈥檚, I鈥檇 say, quite closed off if anything, just the way I liked it. If I could鈥檝e drawn barbed wire, I probably would鈥檝e drawn barbed wire instead of a fence.
It was one of my first ones. It was pretty much standard to how I lived my life, I guess, I liked to, well, constantly be by myself, I didn鈥檛 want anyone around me. I didn鈥檛 even like the idea of pretending to invite people into my life or into my world or into my house. It鈥檚 just something that I, in my mind, was aiming towards.
I used to have a thing against weakness, and crying was a sign of huge weakness or being upset was a sign of huge weakness. I was always the child who fell off the swing, just dust myself off and get back on. I鈥檝e always been so strong in the minds of other people, even though internally I was probably crumbling. But outwardly I appeared quite brutal, I guess in a way.
I felt this was my last chance at life. I had tried, not quite therapy, but counselling of sorts when I was younger which didn鈥檛 really work. And by the time I did come to therapy here, I鈥檇 had quite a few violent episodes. And I was quite worried that it would extend to the people in the group if someone said something or behaved in a way that would anger me, which is quite easy to do in those days. So, it was quite scary being around other people and having to listen to them or share things with them.
Because I couldn鈥檛 verbalise how I felt or didn鈥檛 feel that anyone cared, I was in such pain that disguised itself as anger which turned into violence so then my next thing would be to make someone feel as much physical pain as I felt, I suppose – mental anguish, that鈥檚 the only way I could get on board with it. It was horrible.
In the beginning, I felt a bit fortunate for being here because it鈥檚 not like my parents beat me or I was never sexually abused or a battered child, so it鈥檚 quite hard to believe that, I guess, your own problems that seem quite trivial to most. I mean, to my own parents, they鈥檙e 鈥淥h, what鈥檚 your problem? You spent every summer in [BLEEP], you lived in [BLEEP].聽 How many kids would live that?鈥 And it鈥檚 like yeah, but it鈥檚 not with your parents, is it?
It was never acknowledged as having an issue or something being wrong with me, just acknowledged as me being an awful child. So therefore, the whole self-loathing started with the whole 鈥榠t鈥檚 all my fault, everything鈥檚 my fault鈥. And it鈥檚 only when I got here that actually somebody else, or all of you, turned around and said, 鈥淲ell actually no, it鈥檚 not necessarily all your fault.鈥
Jacquie: Okay now, it鈥檚 a house, still in the middle of the woods. I have a path and there鈥檚 no fence, and I鈥檝e actually got a little sign that say 鈥榃elcome鈥. And there鈥檚 some people on the path. I have no idea who these people are, they鈥檙e just people.
So, when I did come into the group, it was- I felt instantly quite very protective over people. But yeah, it鈥檚 like a comradery thing 鈥 stuck on a desert island with like-minded people. Even if they annoyed me, I found it impossible to get angry with them or dislike them. It makes such a huge difference to feel understood, without feeling like it being some sort of flake or just yeah.
It’s a mission that you need people to comfort you, isn鈥檛 it? When you鈥檝e spent 10/15 years comforting yourself, it then becomes quite an unnatural thing to sit there upset in front of others and actually say, 鈥淚 need help.鈥 Or 鈥淚鈥檓 upset.鈥
I now know that I would quite like some people in my life, be it friendships, or romantic or family. That鈥檚 why I don鈥檛 necessarily know who the people are, I just know I鈥檇 like some people in my life. And then there鈥檚 a tunnel leading up to the other side with me coming out. I think in one of my earlier pictures, I drew a picture of me going into a tunnel with a little speck of light. And that was halfway through, I think, in therapy and I felt like I was feeling different, I guess, really obviously feeling different. So, for the first time, I didn鈥檛 feel so hopeless.
It’s going to sound really corny, but I鈥檓 actually at peace with myself. I have odd fleeting moments of- self-loathing is a strong word so I wouldn鈥檛 go that far- self-doubt. I have changed. But for the most part I鈥檓 more relaxed, and more, I suppose, open to the idea of being engaged in this world as opposed to trying to live outside of it.
I could never quite understand the purpose of my life. It鈥檚 nice to feel like I have a purpose. It鈥檚 nice not to just coast; go to work, hired, go to work, hired. I can鈥檛 even remember the last time I felt that I was going to explode into some sort of violent mess. It鈥檚 been so long since I felt that feeling.